Something to Ignore

I don’t want to talk politics here, but suffice it to say that I’ve never had much time for conspiracy theories. In particular, whenever I see the phrase “mainstream media” thrown around, I tend to assume that I’m dealing with a crackpot. However, there is a story that the newspapers do want to tell about publishing: while it's not a conspiracy, it’s always much the same story, and I suggest you get into the habit of ignoring it. It runs like this:

A debut novelist has got a record advance for a novel about (fill in the details here, but it probably won't be SF). The novelist, who will not be over 40, does something adorably quirky for a living (let’s say she makes cupcakes whilst riding around Oxford on a vintage bike). The novelist is very happy and the advance is in six or seven figures. Occasionally, the novelist will be a trendy young man or an older woman, or the author will look glamorous and seductive instead of a bit like Amelie.

Back off, man, or I use the spoon.

If I sound cynical about this (which I do), it’s because I don’t think it helps anything except sales of whatever paper it appears in. First, the chances of you, or me, getting a colossal advance are so small as to be not worth serious consideration. They’re up there with being hit by lightning or winning the lottery, and you don’t have to write a novel to qualify for either of those. Second, I’m deeply unsure as to what these huge advances actually mean. Is the publisher likely to make it back on this novel? If not, will it be tied to the author’s next work? And what will it do for the author’s long-term career? And is it some kind of loss leader to publicise either the author or the publisher?

I don’t know the answer to any of those. All I can say is that I’m suspicious about this story in its various forms, and I don’t think it’s healthy for writers to see this as the eventual destination. Of course, that's not to say that a million pounds wouldn't be nice. After all, if someone did offer me a million quid to write a novel or two, I’d take it, even if I had to be photographed selling cupcakes on a vintage bike.